This is the very question that Japan’s largest toilet-maker is trying to answer. The company offers various models that do all kinds of lavish things to and for the user. While they’re ubiquitous in Japanese households–until recently, more common than PCs–”smart” potties have failed to catch on in the US market.

A typical Japanese loo, for instance, would do some or all of these things for the user:

* Cleanse “front and back” with three separate streams of water
* Dry “front and back” with air blowers
* Warm the seat
* Automatically put down the seat (a feature cleverly dubbed the “marriage saver”)
* Illuminate itself with a programmable nightlight
* Monitor medical conditions by preforming urine tests
* De-ionize the air to remove odors
* Play a soothing waterfall or birdsong soundtrack “to drown out embarrassing noises.”

Now, there is a legitimate temptation to chuckle at our friends the Japanese, because they can be pretty weird sometimes and Americans tend to see the whole fancy toilet thing as yet another cultural eccentricity along the lines of those bizarre cartoons and vending machines that sell everything from beer to underwear, etc. etc.

But that’s a mistake. Japanese toilets are objectively superior in every important respect: hygiene, comfort, and environmental impact. It’s simply a better “solution” to keeping our body’s dirtiest (ahem) parts clean–including our hands. There’s really isn’t much room for debate between a quick, simple hands free-method and on that involves chopping down lots of forests and counting on strangers to use soap.

Of course, it’s tempting to giggle at the idea of a device that drowns out farts with the sounds of birds chirping–but there’s no need to confuse that with the larger question.

There is an infrastructure angle here as well. If you aren’t trying to get rid of six linear feet of heavy-duty quilted, lotion-infused Charmin each time you hit the flush lever, toilets can be more sparing in their consumption of water. That savings adds up. Likewise, wastewater treatment plants are–one presumes–less taxed.

The good news is that, as the Economist is reporting, Japan’s largest toilet maker has a new chief executive, and he’s set himself the task of breaking into the American market. Part of the p.r. campaign involves getting state-of-the-art crappers installed in “prominent public locations,” so Americans will be able to take them for a discrete test drive and hopefully get hooked.

A media talking point designed to familiarize the devises is that some celebrities are already devotees. Charlie Sheen loves ‘em, for example. But that’s probably too much information.